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The hurt

I was a half-full human, my heart stagnant but patiently waiting

Those half-empty spaces were filling themselves up slowly…

You came and started helping the filling

It was a lot
it was more than real

So used to the help
there was no going back
never again could this job be done alone

There was a binding, an understanding, an
intertwining
of two words into one
two pairs of eyes that looked
into
the same direction

no one should suffer she whispered
no one should suffer he
echoed

we will never allow it
pain is so difficult
stopping pain…

how do you do that?

Is it possible to do that she
asked
We will make it possible he
answered

Where were you before she
thought
but the answer she
knew

Things never go as planned

Why we keep expecting never answers the question

it’s the hard monotony of the learning life
the daily grind
the
working life

People forget how not to hurt
people forget how not to hurt

the words,
the unwords

the drudgery of the repeated phrases
they try
they try and stop the hurt

they can’t stop the hurt
why can’t they stop the hurt

someone tell them it’s not okay to hurt

it’s the deadly absence of something that should never be…
absent

keep expecting because
Expectations remind
of worth

we have worth, right?

Then why must we prove it all the time?

I wish I could get over myself.

I wish I could control my emotions enough to stop hurting those I love the most. But I can’t. Because I’m irrational. After all the efforts I make, I ruin them in an instant. I spend so much time fighting against the forces that try to destroy my sand wall only to take the bucket of water and dump it myself.

I am imprisoned by my freedom, hindered by my obstacles. I can free myself but I don’t have the courage to. And it’s so much easier to hurt those who hurt me.

But I don’t want to hurt them.

All people really want from relationships is to have someone love them and care for them; that’s it. And they want to hear it. It’s really simple but people still don’t understand. 

But no matter how much pain you have hidden inside, don’t let it stop you from being the better person. My parents rarely ever expressed their love to me (because of rigid cultural family traditions) and I think I have sort of an underlying problem because of that, but I’ve been trying to change.

Today in my Seerah class, Sh. Abdulbary Yahya said (on a tangent) that sometimes just get like a candy or a little something for your siblings and when they ask why, just say: “Because I love you.”

Now this is gonna sound kinda ridiculous to y’all but that’s something very hard for me to do. I’ve never heard “I love you” so it’s hard for me to say it. If there’s one thing that I really, really wish my siblings don’t inherit from our parents and me, it’s the inability to express our (positive) emotions.

So now I’ve a new goal: I’m gonna buy something for all 5 of my siblings inshaAllah and when they ask me why, I’m gonna say: “Because I love you.”

Good night 🙂