Devotion is something hard to hold onto. You think you’ve got it until it starts slipping away. If you think you love Islam, or some specific part of it, like knowledge or the Qur’an, it’s only because Allah has made it so. Sometimes your low iman leaves you feeling like you weren’t exactly normal when you were obsessed with your Deen, as if wanting to follow Islam with perfection is something negative. Darkening of hearts through sins lead to the escape of light. The light of knowledge, guidance and iman come only from Allah-if you persist in disobedience, He takes it away. You have to really want to be guided and remain in His Mercy, because guidance is a “fadl” (an extra bounty, an extra favor) from Him. The way you think about Islam reflects the state of your heart. Be careful.
Allah says in Surah Al-Hujurat:
“And know that among you is the Messenger of Allah . If he were to obey you in much of the matter, you would be in difficulty, but Allah has endeared to you the faith and has made it pleasing in your hearts and has made hateful to you disbelief, defiance and disobedience. Those are the [rightly] guided. [It is] as bounty from Allah and favor. And Allah is Knowing and Wise.” (49:7-8)
This is a reminder to myself first. May Allah grant us the correct guidance and understanding and have Mercy on us and forgive our sins. Ameen.