This year, I didn’t look for it. This year, I was busy looking for myself, looking for what I was doing wrong, and why I was doing it. Looking for something that would bring me closer to Him. In the depths of the night, I was clueless. My mind was right this time, my heart was wrong. I made decisions that I regretted immediately and then immediately went back to. I felt lost. It was because I remembered Him but pretended to forget. I pretended to be weak so I became weak. I knew I was deluded so I went further in delusion.

I didn’t go out to feel the air at night—to make sure it was just a little chilly. I didn’t stand on my tiptoes and try to feel the breeze on my face at 12 am. I didn’t straighten out the prayer rug and place my face on the floor. I didn’t keep the water bottle next to me in case I get thirsty after reading some of the blessed book, because the blessed book I didn’t really read. I didn’t slide the purple prayer beads between my fingers, nor the yellow ones, nor the red ones. I lay dead sometimes, sometimes my heart was dead. I was heedless in a strange way that made me consciously heedless. I was a monster sometimes. My heart tried to push open through the deliberate barriers that I had put in my chest. It knocked gently and I heard it. I tried to get it to stop, but then it started thumping. It told me that it wanted me to be human. It told me that it wanted to be Muslim—one who submits, one who gains peace.

I quietly locked it up again before it could get too loud, before its voice could reach deeper into my ears, before it could pierce my soul. But my soul already knew. It had been communicating with my heart outside of my knowledge and they had made a plan. My soul had been stifled for so long that it wasn’t able to speak, but my heart’s voice had given it courage.

And now my soul is telling me something, and I cannot ignore it. Despite the way I treated it, it’s helping me, giving me signals, nudging me, encouraging me.

On this final blessed night, I’m being forced to find it. And I will go out after Fajr to see the ray-less sun making its way back into my life.

The Ummah and Our Trust in Allah

I sometimes feel like a lot of our problems in the Muslim community stem from our detachment from the Akhirah.

Sometimes, even those who are involved in “Islamic thought” or “progressiveness” who think they are doing Islam and Muslims a favor are lost and lead others astray because they are always worried about “the future of Islam in America/in the West/in the world” or “Islam in the media” I agree that some of these issues are legitimate, but we need to understand that Islam is perfect and it is the truth but historically, it’s always been attacked and it always will be. But Allah (SWT) and His Deen will have the upper hand in the end.

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “Islam began as something strange and will go back to being strange, so glad tidings to the strangers.’” (Sunan Ibn Majah)

And say, “Truth has come, and falsehood has departed. Indeed is falsehood, [by nature], ever bound to depart.” Al-Isra’ (17:81)

We as Muslims need to ask ourselves:

  • Do we trust Allah’s laws enough to stick to them to achieve justice, peace and salvation or must we turn to other ideologies?
  • Do we really understand the religion enough to be able to protect ourselves from outside interference with our faith?
  • How much did we actually learn about Islam from learned people of the past and from the Qur’an & Sunnah before we went and attended debates by “critics,” read books by “philosophers,” and supported “activists”?
  • Have we focused on our own selves enough to be able to go around trying to correct the Ummah’s problems?

I once went to an event called “Unity in the Ummah” or something like that and all of the speakers raised good points, but the last speaker (may Allah preserve him) hit the nail in the head with his reasonable and legitimate approach.

He said that we cannot try to make the Ummah unite upon things that are not in Islam. We cannot invent, alter or add things to try and appeal to the people. The only thing that the Ummah can successfully be united upon is the Qur’an & Sunnah. You cannot bring in any other ideology, purpose, mission, or set of principles to try and unite the ummah.

Allah has given us Islam and He has given us the command to remain united as an Ummah


He has taught us how to do it:

“And hold firmly to the rope of Allah [i.e the Qur’an] all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allah upon you – when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became, by His favor, brothers. And you were on the edge of a pit of the Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be guided.” Ale ‘Imran (3: 103)

“This ummah of yours is a single ummah, and I am your Lord, so worship me. But they were cut off from one another in the matter of their unity, and yet they will all return to Us.” Sûrah al-Anbiyâ’ (92-93)

The thing that keeps us together is Tawheed and the adherence to the Sunnah, not anything else.

We need to keep that in mind.

Wa Allahu A’lam.

[I originally wrote this about a month and a half ago and it was up on my other blog...]

It is April

It is April. What significance does it have? Nothing really.

I took my PRAXIS Core exam and I’m impatiently waiting for the results–after all, it’s going to determine whether or not I get into the teaching program at uni.  On that same day, my brother turned 15. So yesterday (when I got a chance) I gave him “the talk.” It was awkward for him, fun for me.

Now I am incredibly behind in all my classes and I have a few days to catch up. I am the biggest procrastinator I know; honestly, I have to get myself back on track and inshaAllah I will do that this summer. Having summer classes when Ramadan comes is gonna really force me to manage my time more efficiently.

ICNA 2014 is around the corner and everyone I know is going. I don’t think I’m gonna be able to go although I like to believe that I’ll find a way. Not being able to drive is really coming to haunt me from every angle at this point.

I really wanna be able to go places. *sigh*

I think I should get back to working on my paper on Arthur Rimbaud. His poetry is intriguing, deep, personal, and hallucinatory. In short, he’s a genius. But, his poetry is also very annoyingly disgusting at times which makes me wanna hate him. So yeah. And I have to write 2800 words about how he’s “significant.”

My sociology professor decided that assigning us more than 8 essays per semester wasn’t enough so she gave us a 20-25 pg. research paper to do. It’s a 300-level class! I don’t know what she thinks we are but…I have 2 days to write that paper and I’m freaking out.

Btw, I’ve been wanting to get Hijama done for the longest time ever, so today I was finally able to get in touch with the Hijama lady and she offered to make me an appointment at the clinic. But obviously, I have to ask my dad first. And it costs $100. Yikes! I was saving my money for ICNA (if that happens). But I guess I shall make the choice.


All people really want from relationships is to have someone love them and care for them; that’s it. And they want to hear it. It’s really simple but people still don’t understand. 

But no matter how much pain you have hidden inside, don’t let it stop you from being the better person. My parents rarely ever expressed their love to me (because of rigid cultural family traditions) and I think I have sort of an underlying problem because of that, but I’ve been trying to change.

Today in my Seerah class, Sh. Abdulbary Yahya said (on a tangent) that sometimes just get like a candy or a little something for your siblings and when they ask why, just say: “Because I love you.”

Now this is gonna sound kinda ridiculous to y’all but that’s something very hard for me to do. I’ve never heard “I love you” so it’s hard for me to say it. If there’s one thing that I really, really wish my siblings don’t inherit from our parents and me, it’s the inability to express our (positive) emotions.

So now I’ve a new goal: I’m gonna buy something for all 5 of my siblings inshaAllah and when they ask me why, I’m gonna say: “Because I love you.”

Good night :)

Sometimes opportunity is floating around but you don’t see it. It comes like a warm drizzle; its light touch you may not notice. But then you feel something gently warming your heart and you look up to see it smiling at you. You think about where. You think about how and why and all the other questions that you heart likes to conceive. It goes, slowly touching some part of you, awakening some hidden dreams. Your eyes follow in silent pursuit but words fail to reach your lips. You hold out your hand but no longer can you catch it.


Old Scholars

If you listen to an old Imam or shaykh, you will sometimes find it tedious to sit through the long pauses, listen to the cracked voice or try to understand the heavy accent or the old language (i.e. word choice) but you need patience.

I remember when my dad used to play a CD in our car, loaded with a lecture from an old scholar and I would groan. He told me that besides the knowledge, that would teach me patience. And it did. He taught me that I cannot dismiss people if I don’t find them immediately appealing.

It’s easy to listen to people who are good, eloquent speakers and if they are providing authentic knowledge, then go ahead and listen to them.

However, sometimes the wisdom that you need with the knowledge is only found with the older scholars, the ones who have spent their lives learning, contemplating and teaching the Deen.